


Baloney Ponies and Shop Vacs

by Newtavore



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bad Pick-Up Lines, Blow Jobs, Dave No Just Call a Penis a Penis Please, Euphemisms, Foursome - F/F/M/M, Hand Jobs, Laughter During Sex, Multi, OT4, Vaginal Fingering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-07-18 13:30:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7317178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Newtavore/pseuds/Newtavore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sex comes slowly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Baloney Ponies and Shop Vacs

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bench](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bench/gifts).



> I did my best, I'm so sorry if this isn't what you meant when you said 'slice of life' O^O

It’s the first time you’ve ever been able to just… stare at them.

 

It’s creepy- you know it’s creepy, you _know_ you’re being a creeper, and you know that it has to be annoying, just sitting on a chair in the corner of the room and _fucking staring_ at them and their faces like they’ll disappear if you stop looking but honestly, you’re not sure they won’t. It’s a fear; fears aren’t always rational, yours less than most.

 

There’s no other way to put it- you are deathly fucking afraid that all of this is some kind of sick, twisted dream, that you’ll wake up and Bro will be towering over you with a sword in hand and puppet on his shoulder- _“Dave. Roof. Now.”_ No John, with his dumb teeth and messy hair and the perfect little dimples in his cheeks and the way his eyes are like oceans, the outer ring cyan, fading darker closer to the pupils. No Jade, with her enthusiastic smile and perky ears and her breasts, which are also like oceans. Or the way she jumps you from behind and wraps her strong arms around your chest and hugs you like it’s all she’s ever wanted to do, like you’re all she’s ever wanted, faults included. No Rose, with her shrewd gaze and impassive face and the arching beauty of her sharp features, belying the softness of her touch. The way her hands caress your face, the way her palms feel smoothing down your shoulders, the way her fingers clutch at the back of your shirt in desperate abandon when you hug her.

 

Nothing but Bro and his sword and his stupid puppet, and a faceful of gravel and burnt palms.

 

It makes you shake and you shove your hands in your pockets and fold your features into something inscrutable and make some dumb comment about something John is talking about and you’re glad you have your shades because you can’t stop _staring_. You can’t stop, even when one of John’s broad hands claps your shoulder, nearly forcing you to bow under the weight, not even when he coaxes you into the group, not even when Jade nestles up against your side and Rose sprawls like an elegant Greek goddess over your lap, not even with fingers threading through your hair and a hand massaging your thigh.

 

Wait.

 

John smirks at you with that dumb ‘prankster’s gambit’ expression on his face, the one you always imagined he’d have on right before a pie to the schnozz or a bucket of water over the head; his hand is kneading at your thigh, his fingers warm even through your clothes, touch breeze-light and you’d say you were imagining it if you couldn’t _feel it_ . He’s _touching_ you, real and visceral and _there_ in a way that just staring hadn’t been able to convince you of, and you suck in a breath, staring staring staring up at his face and the way his smile crooks up to one side, the way his eyes kinda sparkle a little, the way his glasses sit a little too far forward on the bridge of his nose.

 

You might be kissing him before you even realize it.

 

If asked later, you’d never be able to say who moved first- whether it was you or John or one of the girls shoving you or John or some combination of all three. All you know is that John’s mouth is warm and he tastes like mint and your stash of ginger cookies and absurdly, all you can think about is how _he stole your goddamn cookies_ before the situation finally catches up to you and you forget to think at all.

 

You don’t know if it’s a part of your time powers or just a side effect of your like, second ever kiss [because you’d kissed Karkat once and he’d nearly bitten your tongue off so you’d stuck to hand-holding after that-] being stolen by your best friend, but everything slows down; you feel like the world has come to a stop and John is just- a warm, solid weight against you, on top of you, his broad hands pressed to your thin chest and one of Rose’s palms cool against your inner thigh and Jade is wrapped around you like a fluffy boa constrictor and you aren’t sure what’s going on but you _don’t ever want it to stop._

 

“Breathe, Dave,” and since when has John sounded sexy? Since when had the other boy’s voice deepened, since when had he gotten so damn big-? He’s bulky in all the best ways and your voice cracks as you make a shitty stupid comment about him stealing your breath away and you want to hide your face but a little hand is cupping your cheek, turning your head.

 

Kissing Rose is unique in its own way; she’s soft where John was firm, pliant where he’d been solid. You can’t help the absolutely pitiful sound you make, and when she pulls away you try to chase after her with your mouth but then another set of lips are on yours and you have an excitable, lovely Jade Harley in your lap and smooching you senseless.

 

Jade is an experience in and of herself; rough and dominating and full of teeth and tongue and enthusiasm, her mouth pressed hard against yours and her hands gripping your shirt and keeping you close; you can’t even find it in you to fight her for control of the kiss, your own hands settling on her hips and sliding up her back and clutching at her like she’ll slip through your fingers if you let go.

 

“So we were talking,” John mumbles, his hand on the back of your head, Jade mere inches from your parted lips; you’re a panting mess, trembling against her and this is _so fucking uncool_ but Bro’s been dead for years and coolness is a false concept created by an abusive bastard to keep you from feeling emotions so _fuck it anyways_ -

 

“We were talking, about- us. Being a thing.”

 

You swallow. John grins.

 

“If you’re cool with it, we all figured a little four-way makeouts probably wouldn’t hurt anyone, plus we kinda all deserve it, after the whole game thing, and the making the universe thing, and the being gods thing-”

 

Rose interrupts him with a short kiss and he clears his throat, cheeks a bit red.

 

“So, like- if you want, that is. It’d be cool. You just- you’ve been really stressed lately, you know? We all kinda have, but you- it’s been pretty bad, and Rose and Jade and I just kinda wanna pile on you a lot, and I missed you and kissing is kinda fun, so-”

 

“Never let it be said that Dave motherfucking Strider rejected an offer of sloppy makeouts with not one, not two, but three highly attractive individuals,” you interrupt this time, your own face red- though your tanned skin does a bit more to hide the colour blooming over your cheeks- “Where do I sign up.”

 

Jade pulls you into another kiss and you assume that’s all the signing up you’ll ever need.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Sex comes slowly. It’s unspoken that nobody’s gonna push anybody for it and it’s clear that none of you are entirely ready for it in the first place but as you settle into your roles and each other’s lives and, in your case, get a little more used to people coming at you with intentions that don’t revolve around mauling you, things start to get a little heavier. Jade’s hands wander a bit more, John’s kisses become hotter, longer, lingering things filled with the kind of unspoken context you thought was exclusively reserved for Lifetime dramas, and Rose… plots. And writes more. And you have a feeling the shit she’s writing isn’t about wizards, and it’s probably not child friendly either.

 

So you know it’s coming. You’re not sure what you’re going to do when the time comes and y’all are actually, _y’know_ , because despite your brother’s profession and his obsession with marital aids _you don’t actually know that much about sex_ . Not anything that didn’t involve puppets being shoved in various orifices, at least, and if one of your beloved makeout buddies wants to bring puppets into your bedroom that’s it, you’re fucking the fuck right out of there. _‘Fuck this shit I’m out’_ meme and all.

 

You find yourself stressing about it at the most random times; in the shower, on the computer, during the designated kissing time you jokingly made a chart for at one point then all the goddamn nerds had actually started following it and it ended up a huge mess- either way, you’re stressing, and you stressing out, while common, is definitely not a fun thing, especially when you’re stressed about something that means _so terrifyingly much_ to you.

 

Because yeah, you’re worried about fucking up. You’re more worried about fucking up than anyone, and the thought makes you tense and shaky and you start to tap your fingers against your thigh whenever you’re around them and the insides of your cheeks are bitten raw and your leg keeps jumping up and down in time with your heartbeat and the ever-present tick-tick-tick of time in the back of your skull. That’s why it startles you when it actually goes down, because- well. You’d been expecting this huge thing, this drawn out event that got totally sprung on you and _sorry Mr Egbert I can’t give you a good dicking because I’m so fucking nervous my dick actually stopped working, out of order, check back later-_

But it’s totally not that.

 

It’s- natural. An easy, natural progression, and you’re so relaxed at first that you for sure were positive that _this can’t be it_ because it wasn’t enough of a _thing_ , it wasn’t an event like your Bro always made it out to be, it was just- something new. Something wonderful.

 

Because Jade had been kissing John and Rose had been combing her fingers through the wild-child’s dark hair and you’d been kneeling at John’s feet, leaning against his legs because the couch was only big enough for two and three was definitely pushing it, so you’d taken one for the team on movie night. Con-Air is blasting in the background but you literally cannot bring yourself to give a single shit about the bunny not being in the box because John is making pretty noises you want to record and keep forever [because while you’d stopped staring, you’d never stopped being a fucking _creeper_ ]. You kiss his knee and he makes a sound that has your heart stuttering, skipping beats, and his legs spread wide and you lean in and kiss his thigh and his hand is on your head and it’s just- right.

 

It’s right. This is right. This is right and you breath in deep and rest your head on his thigh and nuzzle up against the front of his pants and- god, he’s _hot to the touch_ and the noise he makes has you dying on the inside, in the best way. He’s got a hand on Jade’s ass and the other knotted in your hair and Rose’s dainty little palm is smoothing over your shoulders and you’re so relaxed, so calm, and you only get calmer as John tugs you forward and makes an insistent little gasping, choked mockery of a moan, pitch jumping up as you open your mouth and lick at the front of his pants.

 

“Dave-” he says, and your name on his tongue sounds so _pretty_ you have to drag your tongue over him again, and he curses and says “ _Dave_ ” and oh, hey there sudden but not unwelcome erection.

 

Rose is a cool weight against your back and her hands are on your hips, her lips on your throat and you groan a little when she slides cold fingers up under your shirt, blunt nails scratching with _just_ the right amount of pressure. Your hands are unsteady. Everything is unsteady; your breathing, your fingers, your vision- you can hardly keep yourself in check as you fumble John’s pants open and-

 

You touch him reverently. You’re aware of Jade watching, Rose watching, John watching you as you wrap a careful hand around his shaft and he’s- hot to the touch, hot and pulsing and it feels so _different_ than what you’d imagined, plush, smooth skin with an undertone of stiff rigidity. When you stroke, uncertain and slow, he gasps and bucks his hips up into your hand and you feel- god your face is so red, you’re panting for breath, your shades are fogging up and before you know it they’re gone and you’re squinting, red eyes sensitive even to the dim light of the living room.

 

“That- feels good, Dave-” he says and you shiver and Rose presses against you like a blanket, draped over your back, securing your vulnerable side from threat and protecting you while you’re distracted. Good Rose. Perfect Rose.

 

You stroke again, and again, slow and even, and John just tugs at your hair and groans into Jade’s mouth and curses and the breeze picks up a bit, ruffling your clothes as you brush your thumb over the tip of his cock.

 

You feel like you should say something, but Bro always said _‘Talk is cheap’_ and you’re not sure what to say anyways; all you can think of is cheesy porn dialogue and you think at the last second _no no no_ but your mouth is open and-

 

“I’m gonna suck your baloney pony like an industrial shop vac.”

 

Everything stops. Rose’s hands freeze on your chest and she makes a sound like a dying cat, pinching one of your nipples as she tucks her face against your shoulder; John’s hand goes limp on your head, his eyes wide behind crooked glasses. There is nothing but silence and the sound of your face hissing as the ambient water vapor turns to steam just from being in close proximity with your cheeks, which are now likely fire-engine red. Your expression is impassive.

 

As far as anyone knows, you totally said that on purpose.

 

For a moment you’re worried that all four of you will be frozen like this for eternity, forever petrified in horror of the terrible shit that spews out of your sewer system of a mouth, but thank god the silence is broken- by a gross snort of laughter.

 

Jade is laughing, her lithe body shaking with mirth as she hunches over John’s side, face buried against the other boy’s chest; her hands are knotted in the fabric of his shirt and she keeps making these weird snotty little snorts that have no right being as adorable as they are but _she’s just that goddamn perfect you love her._ And once Jade starts laughing, Rose starts laughing, high and bell-like and then John’s laughing, and then you are, cackling at your own stupidity with your cheek pressed against John’s thigh and your forehead on his hip, the shaft of his cock resting against your cheek, hard and pulsing.

 

You’re still giggling when your turn your head and kiss his length, and he’s still laughing as he tightens his grip in your hair and rocks his hips up, and Jade’s still laughing as she starts to suck hickies into the side of John’s throat and Rose is still laughing as her thumbs flick over your nipples and… It’s just… right.

 

The tension drains from your shoulders and you kiss your way up John’s cock, drinking in his choked giggles and breathless gasps and happy little sounds of mirth and pleasure like fine wine, knowing that you could probably get far more drunk off this than any alcohol. All three of them around you, all three of them in contact with you somehow- John cradling your head in a broad palm, Rose pressed up against your back, Jade’s thigh resting against your cheek from where she’s straddling one of John’s legs- it’s all perfect and you are content, even as you part your lips and tentatively take the tip of John’s cock into your mouth.

 

The laughter dies off into a breathy hiss, and when you glance up at him through blond lashes his head is tilted back and his throat is covered with darkening red love bites. You watch with heavy lidded eyes as he sucks his lower lip between his teeth and tightens his grip on your hair, on Jade’s ass- his hand trembles as he resists the urge to force your head down further and you appreciate that more than he’ll probably ever know.

 

He lets you take your time, and you definitely take your fucking time; it’s slow going but you take him in little by little, tonguing his slit as you suck lightly on his tip, your own hands trembling and fluttering from his knees to his thighs  and back again, unsure where to rest as you dip your head lower. Should you stroke what you can’t swallow? Should you touch him elsewhere-? It’s so hard to think with your mouth half full and his palm big and warm and cradling the back of your head, a thumb stroking your throat; it’s so hard to think with Rose’s hands on your chest, on your stomach, your hips, and dipping lower and lower. It’s so hard to think and you’re nervous and if your mouth wasn’t full you’d be talking, and since it is full your hands are fluttering around like butterflies on crack until Jade collects both of them in one of hers and holds them still for you.

 

When you glance up at her, she just smiles for you, sweet and big and happy and it makes your chest melt, because she’s just _so fucking perfect_. They all are. You swallow and dip your head further and when Jade gasps and moans and makes sounds just a pretty as John’s you know it’s because your friend’s hand has migrated, shifting from groping her ass to dipping into the front of her panties.

 

John is _fingering her_ and her thigh quivers against your cheek and you moan around your mouthful, squeezing your eyes shut and bobbing your head down another inch, another half-inch, more and more as Rose’s hands dip into your pants and _oh_.

 

She’s got a cold hand around your cock and she leans over so her lips are against your ear and she whispers _shop vac_ and you choke, gagging a bit as Jade starts to howl with laughter. You’d be laughing too if your attempt to snort hadn’t backfired, another few inches brushing up against the back of your throat as you sputter around John’s cock. His hand combs through your hair and he makes sounds of concern around his own giggling and you just- flash him a thumbs up because what else are you supposed to do with your mouth full? You just suck in a few calming breaths and start to bob your head, trying desperately to remember all the shit you saw in porn- tongue pressed flat against the underside of his shaft, breathe through your nose, mind the fucking teeth, _drooling all over yourself isn’t sexy Dave jesus-fuck_ -

 

And Rose starts to stroke and you start to moan around him, and he starts to tug at your hair again and Jade starts to make all these goddamn ridiculously cute little yipping noises; your eyes flutter and Rose mouths at your throat and you’re going to have lipstick marks all over your skin and you really could not give less of a shit.

 

“Dave-” he says, all breathy and soft and amused and affectionate all at once, “ _Dave_ -”

 

His hips jerk, thighs quivering under your hands, but he’s not the one who gives in first; Jade curls around his fingers, thighs clenching shut as she gasps and makes these sounds, god, little _ah-ah-ah_ ’s and sweet yips and keens and moans as she comes, clutching John with all the strength she can muster. Rose is quivering against your back and your cock is twitching in her palm, and you close your eyes and John’s hand pushes you down just a little and you glance up and just- _see_ the look of pleasure on his face and you tip over the edge next.

 

You’ve never come like this before. Usually, when it’s just you and righty and maybe lefty if you’re feeling particularly frisky, it’s- gradual. A soft plummet from a low peak. This is like falling at terminal velocity from space, plunging through burning layers of atmosphere as your body chars to a crisp, hot and overstimulated. It’s too much and not enough, pleasurable agony pulsing through your body as you mewl around John’s cock, eyes clenched shut and hips jerking into Rose’s hand as you paint her fingers with sticky white. She shudders against you, pressed firmly against her back, hips moving in little circles against your ass, but you’re distracted when John yelps and you choke on something hot and bitter.

 

His hand grips your hair tight, and you can’t move your head back, gagging slightly as you swallow as much as you can; it still drips over your chin in a sticky mess, and he pulls you back when you choke a bit, his free hand petting over your head and thumbing some of the mess from your lower lip.

 

“Shit,” he says, and it kinda sums up everything.

 

You’re still floating high, hips jerking forward every few seconds, Rose’s hand tight around your oversensitive shaft but thank god she’s stopped stroking or you’d be dead; you turn your head to ask because the last thing you want to do is leave her hanging but her lips are on yours and you taste her and John and you shudder against her as she licks cum from your mouth, John groaning something about _dudes please if I get it up again I’ll die_ in the background.

 

Somehow, you end up not-on-the-floor; your head is spinning and your underwear are uncomfortably damp but you’re pinned between John and Jade and have a Rose draped on top of you, so you doubt you’re moving to change any time soon. Rose just fucking _licked her hand clean_ in front of you and apparently she’d already fucking come so you’re free to laze about and have your hair petted and listen to John wax poetic about your cocksucking skills while Jade kneads at your shoulders, all three of them happy and content.

 

You suck in a breath and John kisses your forehead and Rose tells you _good boy_ in a slightly mocking tone but yeah, you _are_ a good boy, you’re the fucking best boy and your knees are sore and your jaw kinda hurts but- you did alright. John was happy, at least, and since he was the one getting his dick sucked you’re pretty sure his opinion on your ability to suck like a shop vac is the only valid opinion at the moment.

 

You close your eyes.

 

Jade is babbling something about cuddles and post-sex closeness and psychological benefits and _back me up here Miss Therapist_ and Rose murmurs something back and John’s chest vibrates under your ear with quiet laughter and… Everything is perfect.

 

You think this is worth everything you’ve ever been through.

  
  
  



End file.
